Daniele El Gemayel: Rewriting the story fear tells us

“If I can outgrow this, so can everyone else, and I want to be the one to help people accomplish it”. Upon the release of her first book “What is stopping you?”, a sea of people attended the refined book signing at Bar Du Port Beirut. Everyone clamored for hours on end to meet the author, get her personalized dedication, and if time allowed, take a picture to commemorate the moment. “This is the story of my life, and it’s been two years in the making,”, says Daniele El Gemayel, certified life coach. “Earlier in life, I was really anxious and scared of everything but did not pinpoint it as fear”.

Even though she studied psychology, Daniele had anxieties she couldn’t define, getting upset at things that didn’t matter in hindsight. If someone entrusted her with a secret, she’d worry she’d get the blame if it was revealed by another individual. “This book is so close to my heart. I went through every one of the fears of every chapter”.

A paralyzing fear

Speaking calmly and deliberately, Daniele pauses before discussing the fears that once consumed her. Years of coaching have given her confidence but not the illusion of perfection. Growing up, the most significant struggle that paralyzed her was waking up and checking if her parents were breathing, repeating the ritual several times a day. “It would’ve killed me if something happened to them. If we give fear more weight than necessary, it can paralyze you”, says Daniele. She obsessed over things that hadn’t happened yet and may never occur.

She studied psychology as a young mother to her first-born Mila. Psychology, coaching, and years of self-work gradually transformed her outlook. Her mentor, the woman who made her fall in love with the profession, was her teacher, Dr. Aline Husseini Assaf. Her approach was captivating, so much so that she looked forward to going to class just to hear her lecture. “People tell me: Daniele you’re a psychologist, is it possible you still have fears and issues?”

She laughs at the suggestion. “Of course I do”, she says. “Otherwise, I’d have to be superhuman”. A proverb Daniele lives by is: “Feel the fear and do it anyway”. It is in her opinion the best sign that could lead to the most beautiful destinations. “I can read it well now, and when it’s rational, I move on from it quicker. I don’t drown in it nor let it stop me from reaching anything I want”, shares Daniele.

An empowering message

What Daniele is trying to get across to readers is to dismiss the fear of feeling fear itself. In her book, she breaks down how the brain can be a hindrance or our greatest ally.

“I discussed the part of the brain responsible for protecting you from any kind of danger, be it rational or irrational. The amygdala doesn’t know the difference and stops you from anything new entering your life”, says Daniele. When fear is rational, it is recognized by the prefrontal cortex, protecting humans from jumping from the tenth story for instance.

 “This part of the brain that helps you think clearly is the best gift from God”, admits Daniele.

In her book, there are exercises and practical tips that show how to activate it and real-life accounts from clients whose identity is kept anonymous. It was written in English to reach the widest possible audience, with a French edition already in the works.

When discussing emotional patterns that are difficult to recognize and break, fear is often at the root of the problem. The book tackles how to begin to understand them to move on to a better life. “When we label ourselves as overthinkers, there’s fear behind the symptom. Behind so many emotions lies fear, driving repeat patterns and attracting the same kinds of people, which is where attachment styles come in”.

Once a client of hers labeled himself as an angry person. She told him not to put that label on himself, that anger is a mere reaction to something, and she invited him to explore what is driving it, what is the fear behind it.

In Lebanon, we’ve lived collective trauma spanning generations. Daniele believes that it’s important to open up, because communication is key. “The body and mind are interconnected. If you bottle up your emotions, panic attacks, psychosomatic symptoms, or depression might ensue”. The Cedar Fear, which she pinpoints in the book, is unique to Lebanon. The fear of calm, of an explosion, of building a future only to watch it crumble. The Lebanese are so used to uncertainty and turmoil that a total state of peace might throw them off balance.

A journey of self-discovery

Self-awareness and learning more about yourself to heal yourself are two critical messages conveyed in her book, especially during these difficult times.

Some people ask Daniele: “How much can this book help?”

At the very least, it can raise awareness. “Once you understand the why, you will go seek help from a professional or work on yourself alone. It won’t miraculously save the world but every soul will find something it can relate to”, says Daniele.

The book serves as a wake-up call, encouraging readers to examine what isn’t working in their lives and where change can begin.

“What we call love is not really love”. The book explores the four attachment styles:

anxious, disorganized, avoidant and secure. “I had an anxious attachment style”, she confesses. “It stemmed from a fear of abandonment and a need to stay in control”. She altered herself to please her partner. “It’s not real love if it becomes addictive, much like in a casino. You live on the highs and the lows in life; when am I going to win? Unhealthy love is stimulating your dopamine”, says Daniele.

The secure person who will open the door for a lady and treat her right will not be stimulating enough. Once individuals become secure, they know the “why” which is stopping them from being with someone who is good and kind.

Pearls of wisdom

The doting mother dedicated her first book to her two daughters Mila and Kira, to whom she wished to impart these gems of wisdom. She hopes her daughters grow up unafraid of failure, resistant to comparison, comfortable setting boundaries and, above all, kind. “Intelligence opens doors, success earns respect, but kindness is what lingers in the world and with God long after we’re gone”.

When asked about her plans for the next chapter, Daniele ponders the unintended path of becoming an author. “I didn’t even like to read. I wanted to write this book to get a message across to people, from the heart not from a career plan. What comes to my heart in due time I will accomplish”.